Dealing With Grief Around My Toddler

grief

Over the last four days, readers of Celeb Baby Laundry may have noticed that the amount of blog post had decreased dramatically.  I would like to tell everyone what was going on.

Last Thursday, I got the call I never expected to get. My 25-year-old cousin had been rushed to the hospital and was most likely not going to survive. I was with my daughter, Ava who was comfortably hugging me while she napped. I started to cry and could not contain my sadness.  All that could go through my mind was, “How is this possible?”.

This is the first time I have had to deal with grief around my daughter. I didn’t exactly know how to handle the situation. The whole day was up and down. News kept going from good to bad.  I tried to remain strong as I had no other choice. I didn’t want to upset my daughter.

Eventually, I knew I had to go see my family in Toronto. My mom and grandmother decided to fly out and I also wanted to go to support my aunt and cousin in any way I could. I had to decide whether to take my husband and daughter or go alone.  If going together we would have to drive about 6 hours and if I went alone I would take the airplane.

I didn’t know if I should bring Ava at the time. I wanted her to be with me, but at the same time I knew it would be very hard for her. Driving 6 hours without any notice is not easy for a child. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do once we got there either. I didn’t exactly think it was the best decision to have a 2-year-old sitting around a hospital waiting room for an extended period of time. My husband and I discussed the situation and in the end he thought it was best she stayed home, but would come with her if that is what I wanted.

I decided to go alone. I took a flight out Saturday morning and meet up with my mom and grandmother who had already flown in to be by my aunt’s side at the hospital. Once at the hospital, I realized the true gravity of the situation. My cousin had flat lined in the emergency room and the chances of recovery were small.  We stayed up the whole night waiting for a change in my cousin. It was extremely emotional. At six in the morning, I ended up sleeping on the hospital floor alongside my aunt while my other family members slept wherever they could find a space.

The morning did not bring better news. The hospital did everything they could, but my cousin passed away. To the say the least, it was an extremely emotional time. She was only 25 and a mom to a 5-year-old boy. She had no conditions to make anyone ever conceive this would happen. Being a mom, I can’t even imagine the pain my aunt is feeling.  My heart is broken for her.

I flew back early yesterday morning. The whole way back I was an emotional mess. I think all the happenings of the previous two days had built up and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had to be with my husband and daughter. I needed the the two people closest to me.

Now home, I realize that it was the best decision not to take my daughter and husband with me. Their was just too much pain and sadness for a toddler to handle. She couldn’t have stayed at the hospital and my hubby would have had to stay somewhere else with her the whole time.  As much as I wanted them there, this was something I had to do myself.  I’m glad I went and I know I would regret it now if I had not.

My heart is broken for the loss and my aunt’s pain. The quote above signifies what my aunt is going through right now. She has to be strong not only for her other children, but for the little boy that is left without his mother.

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